SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before the ‘A’ I would say we were comfortable in our marriage, for me boringly so. And maybe for my WH.

I would let my WH get away with what I now know is his ‘bad’ habits. I wouldn’t require what I consider ‘proper’ communication - it was just who he was, it was too hard for him, he wasn’t bought up like that blah blah blah. As part of me considering staying in this marriage this was a part of him that had to change, an TBH he really tried and was better.

So now we are well on our way to our new normal and of course become what I call ‘comfortable’!!! Trouble is we both seem slip back into our old habits that weren’t great for any marriage.

‘ To me, it kind of seems that when you are comfortable in a situation you don't feel the need to 'try'. And don't get me wrong I completely understand that but for me it is just as important that you keep up the effort at all times. If you don't that is when people get bored, that is when people feel unsupported or unloved, that is when people think stepping outside of a marriage is a good idea.’

I sent this to him today in an email. When will he ever get it? I can’t see me ever be truly comfortable again

What exactly are you expecting? I believe there is a typical pattern that goes along with Reconciliation.

Hysterical bonding, recognizing the need for (improved) communication, a commitment to the marriage and transparency (among other things).

But that "honeymoon" phase will wind down. Life will go back to its routine and become normalized.

What is it about the normalized day to day that scares you? Are you afraid of a repeat affair? Because people don’t cheat because they are bored (in most cases). As a spouse you are 50% of a relationship or marriage and it’s NOT YOUR JOB to make the other person happy.

It never was.

It’s the partner or spouse’s responsibility for their own happiness. As a spouse or partner you are to ADD to that happiness.

I hope this helps you.

To me, comfort as you knew it before learning of an affair can never be the same. You now look at your partner with a different set of eyes and the blindly implicit trust you thought you could have is just gone, at least it is for me

These days I have settled into accepting that the relationship could end at a moment's notice or she could have another affair and I am powerless to stop that from happening so I have finally been able to "let go of the outcome" and just live my life how I need to in order to be happy and if that works for my life great and if not, okay.

This is yet just another sad consequence of the fallout from an affair.

Thank you both for your reply’s.

@1stwife I guess what I am expecting is that I now have a partner who is better in ways then he was before his A. Communication for me is a key element of a good relationship and I want it prioritised. But for him it seems to be the thing he drops off on. I need communication for good and bad days. I want to feel loved and supported everyday and communication is the way he needs to do that.

I’m not scared of a normal day but normal for me and him may not be aligned. But to be honest and I agree with @WB1340 I am not scared of another affair but I do accept the fact it could happen at any time. And that is probably why I won’t feel ‘comfortable’ in this relationship, or any relationship ever again.

I guess like another post on here, comfort is just another thing that his A took away!

WB1340 is spot on.

I constantly question about my marriage and being too comfortable. Routines and habits are fine and good, but that can lead to complacency. And that seems to be a space for wandering to occur.

I try and make it a direct point to be present in our relationship every day. To listen- even if I don't want to. I want her to know I care. If I feel too comfortable, I slightly shake up the routine a bit.

I, like you, was comfortable to let my H's bad habits slide. Not anymore. When he starts to slip back into his habits of avoidance, sarcasm, etc., I immediately say something.