SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey folks,

Been a while. Often read here as feel like I've got a lifetime of learning ahead of me but rarely feel like I'm a better source of info than the legends that frequent this site.

For those that know my story, can we please stick to the question below. I'm doing OK (ish- read on) and don't want to get bogged down as I'm looking for people's experience.

One of my parents died a few weeks ago. First one for me, and it's obviously a huge moment in my life. I'm wrestling with all kinds of emotions, and I'm not afraid to let them out.

But. I haven't broken down at this point. And I keep thinking about the 2 times I was pretty much on the floor, in the foetal position, when shit went down 3 years ago. And I think how fucked it is that losing a parent isn't upsetting me nearly as much as all of that did.

And then thinking how it makes me feel about my W that she caused me more pain than my parent dying. But I can't tell her that, because we're doing OK.

Could write more but feel that's a decent starting point. Anyone else had this feeling??

I'm sorry for your loss, Ozzy. You have my condolences.

I don't know that there are types of grief. I think it depends upon the source.

I've lost both of my parents (I'm closing in on 60yo). My mother's passing was extremely painful. I still miss her, even nearly 20 years later. We were very close. My father passed away a few months ago and I still keep wanting to call him and hear his voice.

We all expect to out live our parents, just as they out lived their parents. So, in that sense, we're sort of prepared for it. That doesn't mean it hurts any less. And the truly unsettling part is that they were the two people who I knew all of my life and, for the most part, were always there for me.

Still, the grief I've experienced with their passing doesn't even come close to the grief I experienced with my ex-wife's infidelity. Not. Even. Close.

And I think how fucked it is that losing a parent isn't upsetting me nearly as much as all of that did.

I understand. It does seem a little fucked-up, which is why I think the type of grief depends upon the source.

But I can't tell her that, because we're doing OK.

You could tell her that. You're choosing not to, which I understand. In my case, my mom had passed away several years before d-day. I told my ex-wife that her betrayal was far more painful and devastating.

If your wife is truly paying attention, she'll probably realize that, too.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:29 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

Hi Ozzy!

I am sorry for your loss.

I generally think the loss and pain is different because in the case of infidelity, it felt like a personal and willful attack, which is not supposed to be natural in your closest relationship from the person who you had a love story going on with.

In the case of a parent dying, that can be a natural event or an unnatural event. In the case of natural- a sickness, aging, it’s a passage that is part of life. It’s painful but inevitable. For those who lose a parent to something less natural—the parent was murdered, committed suicide, in a tragic car accident where the other driver had been drinking, it would likely feel more like a betrayal. Someone made a willful choice to end someone you loved life and suddenly there are emotions you would have that wouldn’t be there in a more natural event.

My husbands mother died 3 years after my affair and at one point he did say to me what you feel you can’t say to your wife. Maybe it’s a gauge that you all are doing good but could be doing better in the ability to share each others inner world. Something to think about as time passes and you have more time to process this major life event.

Take good care of yourself, regardless on how they passed it’s going to be bumpy for some time to come.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:39 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

You are correct, there are different types of grief.

Loosing a loved one is horrible, but it is generally not with intention. They won't do have loved to live and spend more time with you.

Betrayal has volition, lies, intention,etc.... and the worst of that is these evils were within what was supposed to be the sacred container protecting you FROM those things. The love relationship and commitment was supposed to be your safe place in this world. That person was supposed to be your biggest fan, closest friend, greatest ally. So within this space comes the greatest hurt. The deepest grief.

I would like it something similar to this fictiuous example. Suppose a teenager was suffering some terrible physical malady and their parent was giving them comfort and reassurance, yet eventually the teen comes to find out it was the parent who was actually giving them poison intentionally because they wanted to live free and not be bound by the responsibility. Imagine that level of betrayal. The grief works of be unspeakable. Betrayal grief is likewise of this magnitude.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to chime in and say my father passed away Sunday morning. He died from Alzheimer's, so I essentially lost him about 3 years ago when he began to rapidly deteriorate.
The short version is that he was an unrepentant cheater whose infidelity ruined our lives. But he was also a pretty attentive and dutiful father, to me at least. He was also very, very conflict avoidant. Add all this up, and I never took the opportunity to discuss how his infidelity impacted me. Now it's too late.
This is not a threadjack, rather it's to encourage you to discuss this with your wife. If she's repentant, this will devastate her. And that's good. Avoiding negative emotions is not healthy.
I regret never sitting my father down and telling him why there was a wall between us and why I sometimes avoided speaking with him. He probably was afraid it was because I disliked him or I was just in a bad mood and he would give me space. I'll never know how he would have reacted because I never told him. I didn't get closure, nor will I ever. Telling him when his mind was figuratively eating itself would not have worked because he could not have processed it. Before he was diagnosed I had a vague sense of how it impacted me, but I had not begun trying to understand it by that point. Tragic timing.
Your wife is presumably young-ish and mentally healthy. She can probably handle getting her feelings hurt. If she holds it against you, then that will give you some insight. But don't wait.

You aren't the first person to say that infidelity hurts more than the death of a parent, and you won't be the last. I think what you're feeling is normal.

That said, I'd tell my wife. I would probably mull it over for a day or 2 and come up with a way to say it that isn't unnecessarily cruel or accusatory, but I would bring it up. Do I think it's absolutely necessary that you do? Not really, but it's something I would have a conversation with her about. It wouldnt hurt for her to know what's going on in your inner world. Ever since my wife's affair a big change we've made is no more holding back or stuffing feelings. It can get complicated, but we always find a way to talk through it and I think we're better off for it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:42 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

I'm sorry for your loss, Ozzy and 1994.

IMO, grief is grief. What one feels at any specific time is what one feels. No 'shoulds'. My memories are more important than my grief WRT my parents. I'm pretty positive, so I'm greatful for what my parents did for me....

And then thinking how it makes me feel about my W that she caused me more pain than my parent dying. But I can't tell her that, because we're doing OK.

The fact that you fear communicating your feelings to her objectively indicates everything is not ok. Are you in IC? This would be a great topic for you to explore there.

I think there are different types of grief, yes.

There is the type of grief over losing a loved one after a battle with a health condition. I think that the time one spends facing the deterioration may begin the grief process, in that one knows the loss is approaching, one begins the "shock" phase prior to the loved one’s passing. Then one might move toward denial, perhaps into acceptance while the person is still living.

I know I experienced this as my own mother faced her cancer battle and ultimately succumbed. I think by the time she passed I had run through many of the phases of grief already.

The sudden loss of a loved one, without warning, would create a much different grief process I think. When my brother passed in a car accident at only 33, the grief was different - we were in shock, trying to handle many of his affairs, the service, his child……. Definitely was different.

The grief I experienced from my husband’s betrayal was definitely more painful.

I think everyone sort of "expects" deaths to occur, and we see our loved ones passing away throughout our lives. I think we may see it as something that happens and we have a kind of mental preparedness for it because we all know that - expected or not - all of us will die.

But betrayal isn’t something we prepare for, certainly not as children, and it isn’t openly discussed as we grow or as people go through it. A betrayal results in grief from a very unexpected source, and there is no preparation for it. So when betrayal happens we just do not have the social or internal sources of support that we have after someone passes away. In fact, people who are betrayed are often BLAMED for what happened, creating even more grief and sorrow for them.

Nothing much to add to what has been said. Just want to say I’m glad to see your name pop up and I’m sorry for your loss. Peace, brother.