SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My finding? It is not.

Why don't you post this in General where BSs can give their input. That is the demographic you need to hear from.

Surely, someone here has done what I am seeking to do!

In my time reading and posting on here I have read several people who believe that can still have relationship with their AP. I was one of them.

I am not aware of anyone doing this successfully and the people I know who thought they could, have, over time realised the impossibility of saving their marriage and still being in contact with AP. I'm sure somewhere out there you could fine people who have worked like this, but I would imagine it is rare. You are not finding support for what you feel you need. The people responding to this post, including myself, post from experience and in most cases have felt and thought what you are feeling.

I wish you luck in your recovery

Unconventional,

I ask this question because I kind of recognize where you are.

I do believe it's possible for someone to maintain a relationship with an affair partner without it becoming romanticized or leading to another affair. I've seen it happen when affairs result in children, where continued contact is necessary.

But I also believe it's unwise to maintain a relationship with an affair partner unless circumstances necessitate it, such as when children are involved.

I wonder if the question of, "Can I build enough protective walls around the whiskey?" might be the wrong question. Maybe the question is, "Even if I can, is this something I should choose?"

But I'm not sure there are only two options: having your wife's approval to have this friendship or eventually becoming resentful.

Perhaps there's a third option: choosing to let go of the affair partner because maintaining the relationship is hurting your wife. Even if someone believes they could be completely safe with their affair partner, they can still decide that protecting their spouse from further pain is more important.

That doesn't mean letting go is easy. It doesn't mean the attachment wasn't real, or that ending contact wouldn't hurt. But there's a difference between acknowledging that something is difficult to lose and deciding that it therefore needs to remain part of your life.

Maybe part of the struggle here is that you're trying very hard to solve something that may ultimately need to be grieved.

I think our minds are really good at bargaining with ourselves when we're hurting. We look for reasons why we might not have to lose something we don't want to lose.

And maybe, in the end, it's just grief over the closing of a chapter. That grief doesn't necessarily mean letting go was the wrong choice. It may just mean that the choice was painful.

Bulcy and NotMyIdentity,

Thank you both for your excellent posts! NotMyIdentity, yours, especially, was written with callout-worthy compassion! I accept that you both eventually experienced a path as necessary in your lives that has not (yet?) seemed necessary (or tolerable) to me in my life. Part of me hopes I evolve to sharing your perspective. The considerably larger part of me dreads that potential future and is candidly uncharacteristically livid at the "disrespectful" minority view inside of me. The third path that NotMyIdentity has suggested is at least beautiful, albeit bittersweet—but not (I think) accessible to me (at least not yet), with me valuing my former affair partner and our once-relationship as immensely as I do (and with my wife the tense and truculent—nontender—way she still is these days). Granted, my behavior as an adulterer over these last many months has surely and deplorably been traumatic to my wife—but, objectively, a lot of my wife’s edge arose well before my affair, in the many years we grew apart. Maybe those observations and perceptions will change. Maybe not. Currently, it seems impossible for me voluntarily to eschew forever a renewed relationship with my once affair partner under any justification shy of absolute and unequivocal necessity for my wife and marriage—a standard that has not yet been satisfied persuasively to me. I continue to labor earnestly to uncover the role—if any—of emotional experiences in determining my practical obligations as a loving spouse.

I will not further attempt to fish in this sea for what—disappointingly—I evidently will never reel-in here. That stated, I ardently reject perceptions that what I dream of most would constitute further adultery, bigamy, polyamory, or even selfishness. Neither will I associate with groups that support such lifestyles. Loneliness will have to suffice as my only friend for a time. May God, time, and family bring you all further healing, peace, and love!

[This message edited by Unconventional at 4:34 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

Unconventional,

I understand. It may take some time, and perhaps this is presumptuous, but I think you understand that it’s already happening regardless of whether you’re ready or not.

The parts of you that are warring over why this can be a thing and why you need it to make logical sense for it not to be a thing are, I think, part of what allows you to keep holding on. Maybe that’s something you can’t fully accept yet.

I recognize that you no longer want to keep fishing because the answer you’re seeking isn’t going to be found here. But I would leave you with one last thought.

Does your wife requiring you to remain no contact have to make sense to you?

So much of what we feel can be irrational, let alone when it’s combined with infidelity. Maybe it’s enough that it makes sense to her.

Best of luck, Unconventional. I hope you choose to return in the future.