SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going through a strange situation and could use a sanity check. My husband (WH) had an affair 3 years ago. We got past it and he has been doing everything right. Fast forward to Dec 2025. He is 66 years old. Back in college, he dated a (different) woman for 1 year. AGES ago! She (67) lives across the country, is married, but she reaches out to him about once per year. I have seen their text messages over the past 12 years that we have been together, and it is always her reaching out. He never initiates contact. He is polite and, in some cases, has not responded. I am 99% sure there was more history there before me, but he won’t admit it. Since I came into his life, WH has never proactively reached out to her or seen her. I did see a message years ago from her expressing to WH that she never truly got over him, but she ultimately accepted that they are just friends. It was a sad, desperate message coming from a woman who as been married for 25+ years. He does not know that I know this. And quite frankly, I saw it and was not threatened, so never brought it up, as it was water under the bridge.

That said, she has recently reached out to him again last week. I was not going to say anything, it annoyed me, but he picked up on my bad mood and pressed me to tell him what was wrong. So I finally blew my top. He thought I was overreacting. I know he has zero interest in her, but I am upset that he does not see or support my perspective. Should I just let it go? Why am I so upset if it is nothing? He was defensive and said she is literally just an old college friend. He is understating their history, but I think he is understating it because it has no relevance to us. I am at the point that I want to reach out to her myself and tell her to f--- off. They are not doing anything ‘wrong’ so I am not sure why I am so upset.

I understand how that would be triggering, given what you have been through. In short, I would say that in light of infidelity occurring (albeit it with someone else), it is perfectly reasonable for you to request that she and your husband have no communication with each other. Your H should have no problem blocking this old friend, deleting phone number, etc. This woman lives far away and their relationship is ages ago, as you say. It shouldn't matter to him. I would say no explanation is even needed from him to her. Just block the number and delete the contact. No matter your husband's perspective on their relationship or what her intentions are, he should be willing to do this if you guys have successfully reconciled and recovered from the A.

Well. After being betrayed like you have, I can understand your skepticism and more especially about a woman again contacting him whom you know he was "involved with" way before he ever met you and for whatever reason he doesn't want to bring up with you. All that is what is fueling the reaction you had, I think.

Just saw Carpenter's post after I posted and I agree, your WH should be willing to accept what you need from him.

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:17 PM, Monday, December 15th]

The fact he did not shut her down and tell her to not contact him again once she professed that she still has feelings for him is a red flag. I do not think you are overreacting. An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship. There are things that you can no longer say or do in my opinion. There are jokes that can never again be made

A permanent change that happened in our relationship is that my wife no longer attends mixed social events without me. If by chance she is out with a female co-worker or coworkers and male coworkers show up she either leaves or asks me to join them. Now, I am not naive, I understand she could not tell me and keep it to herself but she understands that if that happens and I find out I file for divorce

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell him to send her a message saying she is to no longer contact him for any reason and then he deletes her phone number and blocks it. If he challenges you on this that speaks volumes to me and not in a good way

An affair, the gift that keeps on giving :/

This is pretty close to my situation, except the initiating old girlfriend was my wife. Her old boyfriend’s wife knew all about my wife and thought it was platonic and cute. I didn’t, but then again neither he nor his wife got to read my wife’s memoir. I do not believe that he was thick enough not to have noticed my wife’s flirting or her need to keep their relationship secret from me, but I do accept that his wife bought his sanitized version of their "friendship." In short, I am certain that he got a nice helping of ego kibbles when my very attractive wife paid attention to him and that he kept her on the backburner should his wife be out of the picture some day. It sounds like your husband is in the same situation as my wife’s "friend." Do you suppose that your husband’s old girlfriend’s husband knows about his wife’s involvement with your WH? Assuming that she’s keeping the "I’m not over you" part secret from her husband, has your WH considered how his complicity would gut this other guy? Does he want to be party to that kind of cruelty? I would ask him if he thinks it is honorable to do this to another guy, especially knowing how his infidelity affected you? He may not see himself as playing with fire, but his old girlfriend is. Honestly, I fully appreciate how this makes you feel, but I don’t think you are in danger, given how your husband has been transparent and not pursuing her. And I wouldn’t blame you for demanding he stop contact on your behalf. But if you approach it from the other husband’s aspect I think you will be more successful. That angle gets you your result but does not require him to agree that he is tempted by his ex.

Two things can be true at the same time.

You are overreacting and his affair is what made you overreact.

There is no real red flag here (from what you have told us) and it still bothers you because he is a FWH.

If it was me I would tell him "I may be overreacting but if you never had an A I wouldn't be. I need you to respect how I feel about this".

It$s common for a WS or FWS to get defensive even when they aren't doing anything wrong. Hopefully he realizes that he put you in this situation.

You state you are 99% sure there is more history he won't admit to. I read that as you think they were physically involved. (If that's not what you meant, sorry). This happened before you were in a relationship with him, so there is no apparent reason for him to hide things. While you may be overreacting (I'm not saying you are, but may be) the fact that he won't admit this is a concern - a big red flag. Has he been open and honest about other prior physical relationships? Why do you think he would deny this one? Until you resolve this issue you will have reason for concern, the very sort of reason that leads to significant emotional reaction, overreaction or not. Honesty is an important feature of any relationship.

I actually have been through something similar but in my case it was a real relationship (before us) of several years and continued very LDR with romantic overtones and gifts. I came to realize over time that it was just a friendship but it bothered me for several years. I totally understand how this affected you and I think it's reasonable to end this. It brings echoes of his actual affair back. I also think he allows this because it makes him feel good that she's still pining for him after all these years - not much of a tribute to her own husband. It probably makes your husband feel desirable, virile, whatever. Ego kibbles. I think you're within your rights to ask it to end, that they go no contact, but on the other hand, I realized I could not control my husband completely and there were just things I was going to have to ignore and that was one of them. I validate how you feel but I don't know if stopping it is going to make things better or worse. If it's a once in a year LDR thing, I'd probably just ignore it. She must be pretty pathetic to be pining over some guy all this time. If the frequency picks up, or there are phone calls or computer time, I'd discuss that and shut it down quick.

Thank you for all of your messages.. you are right. There really should be no contact, as there is no real outcome here. She just finds random reasons to reach out to him. I mean, we all have people from the past that reach out, but I will forever be scarred because of his A. I even told him this, and he said he understood, but never said he had plans to cut her off. I did not ask, because I was so upset and he was defensive and it was going nowhere fast.

From what I can gather, she may have temporarily separated from her husband 15+ years ago and briefly met up with my husband 2-3 times, but this was all well before I knew him. I suspect he is not mentioning it because he does not want to make her look bad, I suppose, especially since she remained married. But I know and he is not admitting to me. I doubt her husband would be happy - I get the impression that she has tried to reach my FWH only when her husband is not around. Anyway, I may be overreacting (I probably am), but it is making me question what kind of a person I have married. Also, if she keeps it up I don't know what I will do, but she will be hearing from me.

From what I can gather, she may have temporarily separated from her husband 15+ years ago and briefly met up with my husband 2-3 times, but this was all well before I knew him. I suspect he is not mentioning it because he does not want to make her look bad, I suppose, especially since she remained married. But I know and he is not admitting to me.

From someone who ignored certain things that I shouldn't have, I'd just encourage you to get the whole truth on this. Your first post made sense and you got some good advice, but this sentence worries me. It may be just as you gathered, but him not admitting something that you strongly suspect is worrisome. Please get the full truth on this. I'm very hopeful for you that there is nothing more here. But don't waste time getting the truth.