SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So interesting little tiff with the wife yesterday. I've been away for two weeks for work. Before that I was on a project that went for a month of very long days and weekends. Before that we were dealing with the passing of my father. The perfect storm. It was brewing. I believe it started about the use of a snowblower and escalated to the resentment we each had for things in the past. I've noticed in the last year that we have very different views on where the accountability lays. I have stated that I take full responsibility for my part in our marriage tanking before the affair. But I do not take any for her poor coping skills. She said that my actions caused the affair. She said it when she was really angry. The lightbulb in my head goes off and I think"There is how you really feel" No bullshit, no political answer, just the true feeling. Like I didn't know she felt like that. She just would never say it. But always sort of alluded to it. She apologized after and said that She was responsible for her actions. But it's 10 years later and this crap still comes up. The resentment kind of lives under the surface. Its funny how you think you let it go. But a few harsh words and it comes gushing out like a waterfall. After this many years of marriage there is bound to be some resentment. There is always more work to do on ourselves and our marriage but I think your always going to have some sort of resentment regardless of what side of the affair you were on. It's inevitable with betrayal. But as always. Some days I'm committed to my spouse. Some days I'm committed to my marriage. Some days I'm committed to my commitment. How does everyone else deal with their resentment?

Committed to my commitment.

I like that.

I think your always going to have some sort of resentment regardless of what side of the affair you were on. It's inevitable with betrayal.

I mean no offense when I say that, but I don’t think that part holds true for everyone.

It would be a real problem for me if my wife blamed me for the affair or resented me, and that came "gushing out" whenever we argued. I know I could not reconcile with her if that was the case. Even if she did not actually feel that way but was only weaponizing the trauma of her infidelity out of anger, I fail to see how I could truly recover. How could we rebuild trust if she held no genuine remorse for her actions and she continued to hurt me with them? How could I believe that she wasn’t going to do it again? I would absolutely not feel safe.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but do you think maybe it is way past time that you expect better for yourself? Perhaps you could work on the way the two of you communicate when you are angry in marriage counseling, and she could sort out her feelings about you and lack of accountability in individual therapy. Just about every couple has fights sometimes, but there are some places you just don’t go.

There is just no way my wife would put her affair or her decisions on me now. Certainly there was some typical relationship history rewriting at the time, but the marriage was totally fine. She has completely accepted responsibility and doesn't "resent me" for any of the pre A issues.

I don't think everyone necessarily has resentments. Resentment builds up when things aren't aired. My H had a lot of built up resentment because he was (is?) so extremely conflict avoidant. He would deny there was any problem. I don't have resentments because I tell him when something bothers me, maybe to a fault sometimes.

If your W has anywhere in her mind that you caused her to cheat, she is not truly remorseful and reconciliation is not possible. She can't be a safe partner until she takes full responsibility for her behavior.