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Today my wife told me she was planning, later in the year a long weekend trip with her best friend. She has been her lifelong friend and they haven’t travelers in years.

She said: oh I hope you won’t be mad I want to go on a long weekend to Rome with her.

Let me be perfsctly clear. I want her to go I want her to feel she can decompress from parenting, enjoy a holiday with her friend every now and again.

She was even careful on how she said it and even said she knew Italy is a bucket list place for me and that we could go together at a later point.

I however fumbled. My initial reaction was to ask if she Aleš red to go partying for the weekend (in which case, what would be the issue she goes to see a band of her choice) and my reaction wasn’t all happy go lucky.

Undid however said yes sure. Not emphatically so, tho.

And I also said she dint have to go with me anywhere to compensate for this if she doesn’t feel like it. Some context: at one point in her healing journey some months ago she said she wanted to stop intimacy and overly loving physical contact until she felt like it (she was doing it to make me happy) and I said this from this perspective, that she needn’t make me happy by offering a possible holiday together in the future. This also didn’t land well. (Shocker :D)

It all led to a short argument. O tres to make it perfectly clear what I meant. And that I really want her to do the trip.

She is bummed that my reaction was so and that demotivates her to do so. I asks for her to allow these moments of discomfort I may show even for a minute or so sometimes. She says it shouldn’t even be that. We ended up in good terms, she doesn’t want to discuss this further and I made Shute she knows I want her to go.

I want her to be happy, to do this trip (and others) I am flattered and excited she even considers future possible trips with me, even if they don’t come to be…

Maybe there is a better approach to this. O think these opportunities for her to visit her friends and do mini holidays are a great healing opportunity for her and I am all in, even if my "on the spot" reaction may not show it immediately.

O want her to know this and I want to get better at reacting thin a way that makes her feel even more supported.

Any tips are welcome!

Thank you.

She came later to tell me another friend may join if she can find a way because she has a daughter an I responded positively and even offered the kid could stay at home with us (we have 3 daughters) if that helps.

Life provides opportunities. I try to grow. I hope in the future I can have this reactions from the start

No stop sign, tell me, what did you feel at first emotionally?

This is the key to read it better, I can try to help you but is the important missing piece

Hi, BackfromtheStorm,

So… since the affection and most physical contact was removed from the equation (we are a little bit closer now, massages, casual contact) I am very anxious. I see every time away as a potential for her to finalize decision of leaving me. After all, the fist time she took a few days to visit friends and family and decompress from parenting after ages she came back and decided to stop doing all these things as a "favor" to me.

So, logically there is that component of fear attached to this.

I am also working on myself bit presently my sense of self worth is a bit all over the place. I am still struggling with feeling of guilt for all I put her through and not being enough, as a father, husband, man of the family…

I understand they her healing needs these breaks, this time for herself, to be able to enjoy and rediscover who she is after years of being primarily a mother, a wife (and a betrayed one at that…)

I understand all this pragmatically, but emotionally I feel "left behind", defeated, and simply sad.

Given a few minutes and talking a bit I do come around and I am happy (genuinely so) for her. And I see the value this brings to her life and indirectly, our journey.

Fear of loosing her as my romantic partner and love is a very high feeling at times. Uncertainty is not a nice place to be for long periods. But I am doing my best to make it my space for the time being.