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Im really struggling with not thinking about the affair partner and what happened, to make things worse I went into town last week and went to get a coffee and she was in the coffee shop and looked right at me (she doesn't know who I am or what I look like luckily) I was shaking it was awful and then today I've just been into town again and saw her again in the shop and then I quickly left the shop and then saw her again in the same coffee shop now I am raging it's like I can't get a break and have to be reminded by seeing her. Then I think I will just have to avoid that coffee shop but then I think why the fuck should I have to avoid places I like because of her and my husband it's not my fault yet I'm being punished! it's so frustrating. Sorry just needed to vent! Im trying to reconcile but it's so hard when I keep getting reminded of it!

I've managed to avoid my wife's AP, even tho he lives about 2 miles from where we do and I drive by his complex almost every day. Not by design, but more luck I suppose. It helps that he was trespassed from my wife's work.

I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom. I just vibe with your post and can imagine how it'd make me feel to randomly bump into that piece of human garbage. I really sympathize with how it must make you feel. I'd have trouble stopping myself from slashing his tires in the parking lot.

I totally get it. Your favorite coffee shop (and general calm) is now ruined by something that's entirely not your fault. It's just another way that infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

My WH had an affair with his coworker. Their business was a direct competitor of ours and I had previously been the manager there. Not only that their workplace was literally 500m from mine.

Their business had to shut down and therefore we took on some of their work. I had to visit their site numerous times and see her. Whilst I held my head high and put on a brave front I would shake after each and every encounter.

It is so shit that they can infiltrate our lives so much. But I hope Selenite you go back to your coffee shop and sit and face her knowing you are a superior human being by far and you deserve that fucking cup of coffee!!!!

Introduce yourself. Tell her she is trash and maybe she will get uncomfortable and find a new coffee shop!

I agree with emotional affair.

You should not fear any affair partner. Ever.

But I have a very specific view of things on that topic.

Voilà!

In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into wall]

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.

For one, I would share your trigger with your husband. Not in a confrontational form, or with any expectation that he directly does something to prevent her from being in your world. It’s more an issue to make him better aware of the consequences and the long-term effects. His response should be a combination of shame, regret, and care.

Second: If you are up to it then don’t avoid her when you run into her. She knows you, she recognizes you. You mentioned that you contacted her one night, and she knows who your husband is. You can 100% expect she’s looked you up and has at least seen your picture.

So do this mental exercise: Prepare for running into her, prepare to enter somewhere she might be. Be decided beforehand to hold your head high, act with dignity and grace and to totally ignore her existence.
I find it… calming… to have some sense of pity for those that do something wrong to me. Not compassionate pity, but more of a demeaning pity. Like… when you see her prepare yourself so your first thought might be "well… at least she’s managed to keep her leg’s together. Good for her!", or "poor lass – must still be sore from kneeling behind the dumb-bells". This thought sort of tricks your brain from the suspense, anxiety and fear it’s headed towards and makes her less of a threat. It calms you to decide your next steps.

I’m not suggesting you look her up. To me it’s your call if you find another coffee shop or if you decide to go and reclaim this one. Maybe next time she’s there you don’t turn back, but change your plans from having a seat to getting a to-go cup. But don’t let her see fear or that you are afraid of her. It’s more like she’s a turd, and you are leaving because of the stench.

I ran into the OM about a month after my d-day. Even then I realized he wasn’t my problem. Just a random guy my ex hooked up with. I was working a Saturday night and I was doing some random DUI stops. He sat in the car along with 4 of his friends and made the mistake of saying something like "hey – I f… your woman!". Somehow, I had the ability to hold back my initial reaction of pulling him out by his neck and beating the crap out of him, and instead answered instantly "I remember you! You went from a penis to having an innie in less than 2 seconds!". His driver friend was sober, and they left laughing at him more than at me.

My husband’s 5th AP was a politician. I saw her everywhere. I worked with her BH.

There was no escape.

She knew exactly how angry I was because I called her on the phone and told her so. Oddly enough, she is the only AP who was honest about what happened during the affair (I contacted a couple others who all lied).

She must have made it a point to avoid me, because I didn’t see her for about a year. That happened at a political function. She stayed outside, and my husband accidentally ran into her. She told him she was afraid to go inside for fear I would physically attack her.

I’m hardly the physical fighting kind of person. I went out, told her to come in, that I forgave her but was still REALLY angry, and that she needed to own her transgressions and face them because I had to face what she did to me every day. I told her she was in no danger from me, but she is in danger for suffering what ought to be her own shame and guilt.

I left her there. She came in.

I haven’t seen her since.

Duplicate posts, sorry

[This message edited by 5Decades at 5:54 PM, Thursday, July 9th]

The fact that you did not stand up, point her out and say at the top of your lungs "hey you [insert insulting name here] - you're the [more insulting descriptions] that f***ed my husband and destroyed my family! burn in Hell!!!!!" means you have amazing inner strength.

Go get your cup of coffee. It is SHE who should fear YOU and feel inferior to YOU.

Put on your best undies, outfit that makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof, sparkliest lip gloss and go get that cup of coffee. Drink every last drop.

I wish I could join you. For moral support and to hear her sphincter shrink when she sees you in all your bad a** glory and squirms under the weight of nothingness that she is.

Selenite,

I'm slow clapping for you because you saw her and somehow still avoided going to jail.

I don't know that I would have that inner strength. Be proud of yourself.

I used to run into the OW at least once a week. It is a small city and even smaller community. We were both female triathletes, and pre/during A, she was a "friend" and mentoring me in the new to me sport. I could have stopped training and racing, but I felt like 1….the co-conspirators in the affair had already taken so much from me….I didn’t want either of them to have the satisfaction of running me off….and 2…if it made her uncomfortable, that was an added bonus.

But, the run ins took their toll on my mental health. The endurance sport of it helped….just gutting it through a triathlon and having that to focus on helped….but the constant flight or fight was more than a lot. It honestly felt like she was purposefully crossing my path. I don’t know if that was the case. I was grateful when she retired. I’m semi-retired from it now….and the run ins have diminished to a few times a year. But the panic and anger was very familiar to me. It would take me days to recover and then it would happen again. I did a lot of traveling….she had been in my home….she was a "friend". That double betrayal is a nightmare to work through.

What did help me was to have a plan of what I would do. I tried to just look through her, politely ignore her, etc. She tried really hard to speak to me. She had apologized via email….but it was a lame apology. I got the feeling that she wanted to remind me that my H was also a problem in the A. But, I knew that. I got the feeling that she was trying to hammer home to me that he wanted her. Obviously. When those confrontations occurred, I reminded her to leave me alone….sometimes loudly, in public, and with colorful language. In my mind, she got off light….given the circumstances.

I try to focus on the fact that she was just some willing random woman, and that if she was really worth it to my FWH….he wouldn’t have done the work with me to recover and reconcile. I’m grateful for where we are in our marriage now. It is much better than I thought it was pre-A. I also try to focus on the fact that this is SO very common. There was one particular run-in a couple of years post DDay where she claimed that she knew for a fact that my FWH missed her and missed training with her. (He had told her that he would miss the training and friendship and shared that with me). I told her that quietly and calmly in the gym dressing room that …..as "common" (and I meant that as low in addition to often) as this behavior is….that it would likely happen to her….or more sadly….one of her young daughters….and that when it did….to remember me. And then I went home and verified all FWH devices. Even then he acknowledged that she hasn’t the capacity to be accountable.

I no longer wonder why she does the things she does. There are plenty of people who can’t accept the consequences of their actions. She blew up her family….they divorced. I’m pleased when I run into her Ex…who directed me here DDay. He’s doing really, really well. I feel sorry for their daughters though. They have a tough road ahead.

I no longer have the anger when I run into her….mostly it just makes me sad. How damaged do you have to be to jump into bed with your friend’s husband and also show up to my face? But, that took me until now….7+ years later.

Having been in this situation many times (prior to marriage but with cheating BFs) I always found it uncomfortable but staying silent was my go to (though I really laughed hard at Bigger’s encounter ).

There was the one OW who spread a vicious nasty rumor about me to keep my XBF. Small town people and had to live it down.

Then there was the ones who pretended to be my friends to become the next GF. Quite a few of those.

Then there was the serial cheating BF who kept calling me a year later to reconnect. Supposedly I was the "love of his life".

I would run into them in random places. The one who spread the rumor was a good friend of a SIL but thankfully there was minimal in person contact.

My ignoring them was the best way to handle it. I think that shows them they meant nothing.

My D-Day was a Thursday afternoon and about 10:00 Monday morning I walked into the school where my wife works, walked into the receptionists office, ask the woman if I could speak to the RO (school police officer, my wife's ap), she asked for my ID so I handed it to her so Within seconds she knew that I was the husband of the woman who worked across the hall from her and I'm sure she found it incredibly odd that I was at the school asking to speak to the RO

She paged him to the office and he struts in with his flat top and his gun and his badge and his vest and says how can I help you and I said is there somewhere we can talk and he said sure out in the hall so we walked out into the Hall

I said my name is and I thought we should meet and the smile went away and he put out his hand and said I owe you an apology and I just waved him off and said I'm not here for an apology. I gave a big long speech about how my wife and I met and what we've been through over the years and I thought I was doing everything to make her happy and I thought she was happy but come to find out she wasn't happy but instead of turning to me she turned to you to find happiness.

I looked at him and said you are what 42 years old and he said 40 and I was 53 at the time and I said try to imagine 13 years from now you discover that everything you thought was safe and secure and true in your life suddenly evaporates. Try to imagine at 53 years old having to rebuild your life. I said I don't know if my wife and I will divorce over this.

When I finished saying what I had to say I said okay, I need to go back to work, I have a family to support and I walked away. I wasn't angry I wasn't raising my voice I wasn't calling him names because honestly at the time I was nothing but a shell of a man, I was completely gutted. He could have looked me in the eyes and smiled and said I could have banged your wife on her desk whenever I wanted to and it wouldn't have mattered to me because I cared about nothing at that time in my life

I truly hoped that my words would resonate with him and he would stop fooling around with married women and I hoped that my words would prevent another man from going through what I was, but it didn't. It had zero effect on him. After my wife he moved on to the social worker at the school and ended up banging her not only in his car but on her desk at the school while school was in session.

The point of my rambling is don't give her any power over you. Next time you run into her say something like so are you still banging married men or did you stop your disgusting behavior? She and your husband are the villains, you are the victim, but don't let this allow her to have power over you. And when you say something to her say it loud enough that people standing around you hear it. You never know, that might be enough for her to find a new coffee shop ;)

[This message edited by WB1340 at 2:15 PM, Monday, July 13th]

I truly hoped that my words would resonate with him and he would stop fooling around with married women and I hoped that my words would prevent another man from going through what I was, but it didn't. It had zero effect on him. After my wife he moved on to the social worker at the school and ended up banging her not only in his car but on her desk at the school while school was in session.

Man I feel bad for you.

Unfortunately the only language affair partners understand enough so they stop messing around with other people's relationships, is the kind of language that can put you in serious trouble.

It works though, but it's not worthy the risk.
They only understand serious consequences. That will not change the inner garbage of the person, will just make them afraid to indulge.

But the true question is: are you willing to take the risk for a worthless human being?
They are never worth a second of your time in the end, really.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:50 PM, Monday, July 13th]