Brother,
Infidelity has no sexual orientation either, it hits us all in the same way, male and females alike, the details might vary, but the driver is always the same.
A cheater cheats because of unresolved issues:
- Low self worth (and all those traits stemming from it: people pleasing, perfectionism, overachieving, etc)
- Craving external validation
It doesn't matter if you are gay or not, it doesn't matter if your values align or not.
So think about the ideology (liberal, conservative, whatever) it matters even less! Furthermore it is often a mask to shield the Wayward partner from any accountability for their infidelity / affairs!
I suggest you throw that out the window immediately while confronting and will refuse any attempt of your Wayward Husband to bring it up, because it will be used as a smoke screen to gaslight you even more and thicken his affair fog even further (example: 'I thought it was ok since you are liberal / conservative [ add random bullshit excuse here] = you get gaslighted and they shift the blame and accountability)
The only thing that matters here is: You - Him - Your Connection
The most important one in the above is YOU.
You are the victim of abuse. Betrayal is one of the deepest wound and Trauma a human being can experience. The PTSD from this is horrible.
Your goal is to protect yourself from this fallout and survive infidelity. Heal and reclaim your agency and stability, so you can live free of infidelity.
He says he loves me and is committed to fixing this. But remorse mostly only shows up when I push for it, not unprompted. Day to day life has weirdly settled into a kind of uneasy normal.
He is not feeling remorse nor guilt. That is called shame.
A very different beast. Imagine this:
"I feel horrible for what I did to you, I am disgusted with myself. I understand if you don't want to ever see me again or having me in your life, I wouldn't want someone like me either. Whatever it takes I will show up for you, to help you with your pain, which I caused, I will always be there, and I will understand if it comes a day that you will never want to see me again. For I deserved it after the evil I have done to you" --> Guilt, remorse
"I am sorry you think you should feel bad for what I have done. I am just doing what makes me happy, because I deserve it. I am not doing anything THAT bad, I even kept it hidden so you won't know. Unfortunately you found out and now you are hurting. This makes me feel uncomfortable because you look at me as I were a bad person. I don't like that, so please get over it already, I don't feel good the way you look at me, I need your love and validation. Look I will also do whatever you want to calm you down. You need the truth? I will give a curated version. You need loyalty? I will fly low for now and will be more careful in the future so you don't find out. Just deal with it and stop making ME feel bad." --> Shame
Guilt is accountability, empathy, love. Truth and commitment follow it.
Shame is selfish, avoidance, irresponsible. Lies and more infidelity follow it.
I'm not making big decisions yet — just watching whether real change follows the words, or whether this is as much honesty as I'll ever get.
You need to make the biggest decision of your life now if you don't want to be completely destroyed. You must heal yourself.
This does not mean an outcome (Diveroce or Reconciliation), forget outcomes, have no attachment to those.
The only thing you have control over is yourself.
Put yourself first. Reclaim your agency. Reclaim the power to choose your Husband stolen from you.
He is not honest with you right now, he is just ashamed he's been found out. No remorse, no accountability, only trickle truth. The usual pattern.
There's no change that will happen because only HIM can choose to change. You cannot force him to, you cannot shame him into change. It needs to come from within him.
He is not remorseful or helping, he is managing you to put you in a safe and comfortable spot so he can rugsweep this and move on, while you will stay stuck in hell.
Read on the healing library about the 180, tactical primers etc.
You need to protect yourself emotionally, you were never given the choice about his infidelity. Now you have the choice to decide if you want to live with infidelity or reclaim your self love and agency.
I know it's hard buddy, we're all faced with hard choices in this club. But the only hope to heal is to put yourself first and set iron boundaries. No matter if what follows will be Divorce or Reconciliation, that is the last step.
If you don't you will have nothing but infidelity, and eventually you will be destroyed and have to pick one out of desperation.
Put yourself first.
Has anyone been through something like this? What actually told you whether it was worth staying, and how long did it realistically take to know?
We all have been. Men, women alike, hetero or gay, it's always the same movie.
The outcome is also almost always the same movie. If you 180 and set boundaries that clearly say: I will not accept infidelity in my life, things change.
If you don't they stay the same, you live a life of lies and infidelity, you will keep falling into that dark abyss eventually, even years from now when you thought you were over it.
The only thing that may make it worth to wait before divorcing or breaking up is this: seeing true remorse, accountability and truth from your wayward partner.
Only if a WS is ready to crawl naked over broken glass to beg for forgiveness, then you might consider if it's worth to wait.
An unremorseful WS is not worthy a second of your time. You have been sexually and emotionally abused. The golden rule in abuse is to remove the abuser from the victim.
A BS opening up to the CHANCE of Reconciliation is not a thing the WS is entitled to. Reconciliation is a gift, a second chance that no WS ever deserves. It is YOU and only YOU who call the shots here, and you can back out of it at any time.
The WS has no say in this.
The BS heals the BS
The WS heals the WS
Together, once healed, eventually they can try to heal the relationship.
Is not something that happens fast and it is a lot of pain and work.
Your Husband is not there, he is not even remorseful. Couple Therapy?
Nah it's bullshit at this stage, he is trying to manage you so he can get you stuck where it is comfortable for him.
You need IC to heal from your trauma.
He needs IC to heal from his dysfunction. (but he needs to want to change first. I don't think he is there just yet)
You need to detach from outcome and see if he cares enough to take accountability and look into himself and what's wrong with him, instead of avoiding and gaslighting you.
Above all you need to be able not to keep all this emotional chaos inside. Your voice and pain needs to be heard. You have been heard.
I hope you find peace.
