SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all I have been married for 46 years at first I thought I had the perfect marriage with the perfect wife.
I had an uncomfortable feeling one early on when she came home drunk one night but let it go as we were just married
We had a good marriage had a girl and a boy then my wife hormones went into over drive, she started drinking heavily and going out with a friend at the weekends at that point there was a lot going on between us.
She was violent towards me and stoped having sex with me at the weekends she would dress up in stocking and suspenders and go out dancing with her friend.
My work mates pulling me aside one day telling me what she was up to when she was out basically she was kissing and being fingered.
I
I told her she was ill with her hormones and something had to be done she ended up getting a hysterectomy HRT and became my wife again I forgave her as we married In sickness and in health and our marriage became wonderful again.
A couple of months ago I got a phone call from a stranger telling me when we were married at first she had an affair with a work colleague.
I remembered that night when we were married at first when she came back from the office Christmas party and after having sex with me she asked me is that all you have.
I asked her what was she up to at the party she said she kissed someone and felt him so through his trousers.
Now I find out they went for drinks at dinner time kissed and groped each other at the Christmas party when they went in to a cupboard and they masturbated each other then she gave him oral sex.
She said she told him I was away one weekend and ask if she could go to his flat so they could do the deed. On the day they met for a drink kiss and groped each other in the bar she then says that she back out and went home.
We were only married for 6 months I am so very hurt and sad but she thinks because it was 46 years ago and we have a good marriage I should let it go but I can’t get over the fact we were only married 6 months.
Thanks for letting me get this of my chest as I don’t have anyone to talk to.

Hi Dunoon,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I’m glad you found us though, you’re amongst friends here.

Just to get the timeline right (I’m putting my guesses as to the timing in brackets):

* married 46 years ago
* uncomfortable feeling one night when she came home drunk - is that a different event from the Christmas party?
* 45.5 years ago: Christmas party affair
* date with the AP
* [44-42] years ago: two kids
* [40] years ago: drinking, violent towards you, going out dancing without you, no sex on the weekends. Possibly kissing and being fingered whilst out.
* [39] years ago: hysterectomy followed by perfect marriage & perfect wife
* two months ago: DDay

Is that about right?

First off, while it may have been 45 years ago for her, you’ve only known for 2 months. That means she’s had decades to process this. You’ve just learned that she lied to you all those years ago. Moreover, I have my doubts that you actually are getting the truth now. As you now know to your sorrow, cheaters lie. Ubiquitously. She lied about it being "just a kiss" that first time, and she is probably lying now. The pattern is as old as time. First they say it was just a kiss. Then they say it was only oral. Then they say it was sex, but only once and they didn’t like it. Then you find out it was far more extensive…

I’m having trouble believing that she went to the bar with him, but got cold feet and decided to come home.

What is she saying about the rumors of what she was doing when out dancing? I assume she’s just denying it, right?

Anyway, it is generally thought that it takes 2-5 years to heal from betrayal. So two months is not enough, and no, she doesn’t get to dictate the timeframe upon which you heal. "Just let it go" is rugsweeping, and that doesn’t work. It will not just go away on its own.

You should see a therapist - one that specializes in betrayal trauma.

There are a lot of good articles in the Healing Library. You may want to print out "Joseph’s Letter" for her to read. You deserve to have the truth. You should also ask her to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Your WW does not grasp the magnitude of what you’re going through in the slightest. This is another thing she might benefit from reading: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

If you do print this out, don’t reveal this website so that you can keep this your safe space.

Finally, just know you’re not a fool. You’re a man who loved his wife and his family and trusted her. Her cheating is about her flaws, not yours. Remember: people cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with their partners.

Oh, brother, you are not a fool. I feel ya. My problem is 39 years old, we've been together for that long. She's disclosed every sexual partner except one. A friend of mine. I know that they had a sexual history during our FWB period, though they both deny it. After we were together officially, I once came home unexpectedly. He had a key to our home as he was living in the barracks when not on patrol. He dropped me off at the ship for carrier quals. I thought he was going back to the barracks and he thougt I'd be at sea fro a couple weeks. He bee lined back to my house, 30 miles away. We got liberty for the night to await the tide and I got a lift home. I didn't actually catch them but they were very surprised to see me walk in and I was obviously the odd man out.

You've known for a couple of months, I've known for 39 years ish. If she'd admit to sex with him before we were official, I'd be okay with that. We both had other friends then. She was freshly divorced and running wild. I knew him from the 8th grade. He was a notorious ladies man. Mounted anything that would stand for him. He'd spend hours inside her apartment with the curtains drawn. Sometimes I was in there with those curtains drawn. Only an idiot would believe they were just "talking." Now her obvious lie about that, when she's disclosed 9 other partners including me, makes me wonder if she was faithful AFTER we were official. It's been a great marriage since then but the doubts still linger. It sucks.

Strength brother.

The betrayal is new to you....so it is just like it happened yesterday. Now you have rewrite much of your history with this new information in mind. It will take time and work, as well as a great deal of hurt and grief. This is a marathon. Stay active here...it is your group therapy.