Me: 47 BS
Him: 50 WS
Children: 16 & 19
Together for 24 years.
Married for 21 years.
DDay1: 03/23/25
DDay2: 04/18/25

Emotional Affairs...

My husband has been pulling away for a while now. Every time I asked if everything was okay, or if anything was wrong, he would say he's fine. So a month ago I asked him if he'd be interested in trying out marriage counseling. After his go to answer of IDK, I pressed further and said I needed more than IDk. I've felt unloved, unwanted, and unhappy for over the past two years, and I needed more from him than an "I don't know". So he told me that he didn't love me any more. He didn't like me, didn't hate me, just had no feelings towards me. And kept repeating how long are we supposed to keep doing this when that's how it is. I asked him if he was having an affair, either emotionally or physically, and he said no. He said he wasn't interested in trying to fix anything with our marriage, and was done. When I asked what I had done, he said I hadn't done anything.
Over the next several weeks, as I was trying to figure out how to go through the divorce process, gather necessary information, I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer to help answer some questions. What stuck with me from that meeting was when he said people don't throw away 24 years for nothing. There is either some sort of abuse or infidelity. I said no to both of those. But that stuck with me. So a few days later I told my husband what the lawyer had said, and asked him to be completely honest with me - has he emotionally or physically cheated on me. He admitted that there had been a few. Then admitted that there was a current one. He wouldn't give me any details because he felt I didn't need to know. This absolutely gutted me. I never thought he'd be the type of person to cheat. Then he told me he'd been unhappy for the past 10 years. That also floored me. I had no clue. I was sobbing, couldn't breath or get words out, I was absolutely gutted. And he stood there indifferent as I'm breaking into a million pieces. Over the next several days I started snooping (something I've never done before) and found out the current affair is with a 36 y.o. (he's 50) and has been going on for well over a year and a half - since 2023. He is acting like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, while I am stuck on a rollercoaster of feelings, can't eat, can't sleep, having mini anxiety attacks on and off all day, and just trying to take it one day at a day. I'm trying to be as civil as possible, and want the divorce to be as amicable and fair as possible, as we have two children (16 & 19) together. I'm trying to think of our kids and don't want them put in the middle or have to stand by and watch this turn any uglier than it already has gotten.

---UPDATE---

AP is not married.

WS has no interest in any form of counseling, nor reconciliation.

After everything that I have found out so far (each week I seem to be discovering more deceit and betrayals), I have no interest in reconciliation either.

I now want the divorce and this whole awful process over and done with as quickly as possible (although the lawyer said it can take anywhere from 6-12 months and that's with it being uncontested).

And it makes it all worse, knowing that he has put the AP as a priority over our two kids.

6 comments posted: Sunday, April 27th, 2025