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It's just a strange spot in the healing process. I feel like she thinks we're doing better but knows when I'm internalizing things that may bother me with the constant "What's wrong". She, deep down, knows I've been triggered by something but I do think in an ironic case of unfairness, for both of us I need to share these things head on. Many of you have mentioned this and I need to own this part for this to work. I guess that's the answer.

You said it yourself — she KNOWS when you are struggling.

When in doubt, share it.

Feel it. Get it out of your brain.

That’s processing the feeling and getting the pain OUT.

If you’re holding back, that stuff builds up. It becomes RESENTMENT.

And I’m no expert, but after reading SI for nearly a decade, resentment doesn’t allow you to heal. Or move your relationship forward.

My wife understood I was in pain, she wanted me to feel better — and I often reminded her, I never shared my pain to make her feel BAD.

I just had to literally vent the emotions that were building up. I needed to understand a choice I didn’t make, as best as I could possibly understand it. So it created a lot of loops and asking and feeling the same stuff over and over again — that’s how to process the trauma of it all.

Head on is exactly right. You both need to hit all of these tough issues head on.

Not sharing feelings is how I think most relationships get in trouble in the first place (not an excuse for infidelity, just not healthy to not share).

For me: The only way back is to be the most authentic and true you have ever been to yourself, and your spouse (same for her too!).

R is tough, but it is an opportunity to create a safe space, far safer than whatever it was before, because you both can share your thoughts, ANY thoughts, without fear.

I find myself working through this personally but also somewhat looking at it from the outside simply due to a fascination with the psychology of it all. When Dday happened and for several heated discussions after, I asked what you all probably asked: "What would you do in my shoes (stay or go)?" The answer I got was "I don't know". At least she was somewhat honest. I think the truly honest answer would have been: "I would have tossed you out of the house and asked for a divorce". I think for those who haven't gone through this, that's a natural and easy response. My therapist threw out the question of "What are your thoughts on the For Better or Worse part of the vows when you talk about wedding vows and attempting R" and I thought it was a take on things that initially made me angry but getting past that, I thought it was interesting. What is that line where you do choose recovery and embrace the For Better or Worse even though the To Have and To Hold part has been effed up? (sorry that's my go to verb and adjective with this mess sometimes ). I think in my case, the basic stuff was never an issue: location, phone access, no contact. I think I've only questioned location once since D-day and there was no issue. The commitment by me to embrace R has been the commitment by her to want to know what's wrong when the triggers happen, to remember who I am as a person (Whatever love language doesn't like public groping ) and give me space when I need it. If there were doubts in any of these areas (and/or the basic stuff) I'd be thinking long and hard about what road is the right one. What I think you all are teaching me is that I'm holding this process up by not sharing the trigger events and impact with her. If she wants to know, tell her. If it happens and she doesn't know, tell her. Public place, private place find a way to tell her. I guess message for me at this stage of R, is there aren't many cases where WS deserve some empathy but if you're going to expect them to participate in R, good and bad, you need to share these feelings for both of your sakes. I really appreciate the help and I may even talk about what happened the other night with her just so she now knows. Peace everyone.

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

What I think you all are teaching me is that I'm holding this process up by not sharing the trigger events and impact with her.

Yes Sir.

I think this goes to your original post of being haunted hard by triggers and thoughts.

You haven’t had a chance to process enough of what happened. The holding it in is unhealthy. And I get it, you want to move forward and you think by bringing up the past all the time will hurt more than it will help. However, if you don’t feel like she knows what you’re going through, I think that adds to your daily duress.

It ain’t easy, or fast, and I think there is plenty of time for you to catch up on some healing with a few heartfelt conversations with your wife.

Based on what you have said here, I think your wife wants to hear your pain to help you process it.

In my case, my wife hearing about it, no matter how often, it really helped me.

To this day, my wife can always tell when I am thinking back to the past and am bothered by something around the A. At this point, I thank her for checking in on me, but I can quickly wipe out intrusive thoughts on my own (lots of practice!).

Well, I aired my grievances (for you Monty Python fans) and it went well. We went out to grab some food and one thing I've been very concerned about is running into the AP. He lives one town over and the A started when we became friendly with him and after that he began making his move and my wife responded in kind. We live in a town that's sort of the center for the surrounding towns so ever since D-day my head's been on a swivel every time we walk into a restaurant worried that we'll run into him (and his wife since he's since married). She noticed it for the first time last night and asked "Why are you looking around?" I explained why and her eyes welled up with tears and she explained that it makes her sad that I have to do that. It was good to get that worked out as another trigger she needs to be aware of. I'm not sure that hypervigilance will go away either or if I'll ever run into him but taking all of your advice about getting this stuff out there felt like it added value last night. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for her but it's not supposed to be in the heat of the moment..... long term it's how we'll get better. Thanks again all.

Good for you for making the experiment. Since it worked out well, I imagine you'll do it some more. She stepped up; that's positive for R. If she starts letting you down again and again, it's negative.

What I think you all are teaching me is that I'm holding this process up by not sharing the trigger events and impact with her.

An important (IMO) nuance here is that you are the primary beneficiary of being authentic, which in this are means bring up your thoughts and feelings.

Bringing issues up models doing so for your W, which may help her, and it brings you 2 closer to each other, but you benefit whether your W likes your doing it or not. Whether you rebuild with your WS or split and are available to others, being yourself sets you up for finding people who like you for yourself. You no longer have to waste energy hiding who you are.

Resolving issues is a plus for you, too. You put energy into a resolution, but you no longer have to put energy into dealing with the issue again and again, or, as in this case, you have support from your W in making sure you have help if om shows up.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:50 PM, Wednesday, June 18th]