And what makes you think you can identify people without a sordid history?
Gut feeling, instincts, you can see red flags when how someone presents themselves does not match with their behavior, body language etc.
We all read those social cues, my survival strategy since infancy was developing the skill to read people "better" than average.
Are you really all that desirable yourself?
What you are asking here is the same question I lived with since birth. The answer was : "no, I am not desirable, I am not lovable, I am not worthy" for my entire life until recently.
That's is why I could not connect with people. That is why if I opened up to a girl I ended up betrayed. That was my dogma: it is my fault, I deserve this because I am unlovable.
Today I healed from that trauma, and yes, I do believe I am desirable, worthy as much as anybody else.
Have you permanently resolved the issues which led to your promiscuity or your decision to take your GF back?
Those are 2 separate things:
- my "Promiscuity" was when I was terrified of connection. Translate to "We date, but I want no bonds, no exclusivity. Take it or leave it". Dysfunctional, but it was not from impulse or ego, it was from fear. Because my first loved betrayed me in front of my eyes, I was fully committed, all in, she devastated me, since then I was afraid to suffer again.
I always been transparent with it, some women were ok, other were not.
- Decision of taking my gf back: that's exactly the opposite of promiscuity. Whenever I committed I was absolutely monogamous. Not even desire or temptation could make me flinch. If this is an "Issue" then no, I am still the "issue of monogamy" that was not resolved and it will be never be resolved for me.
And I am fine with it
If you say 'yes,' how are other people to know?
You feel when someone is transparent or faking. Actions and coherence tell more than words.
Myself- built up resentments had me pretty much out the door, my affair was more of a testing ground if I could still attract men.
This is not conscious. What I was conscious of is that flirting with him alleviated my depression and anxiety about my over all life state. It was pure escapism.
Of course I believe there is an addictive element for some people. I felt quite addicted early on, it feels like a big rush to go from depression/existential crisis to receiving large dopamine/adrenaline rush shots to the brain.
Thanks hiking, for the insight.
My wife does see herself reflected into this too. Different situation but similar emotions.
The reason I am having trouble framing your question is what you are talking about is how change impulse control in regards to cheating.
I feel like after having cheated, I did not find it to be a positive experience and I already didn’t want to repeat that. Giving my husband full transparency and stating no contact were not huge changes or asks - I would say those things were baseline efforts. So the not cheating part to me is very easy (especially after the withdrawal occurred.)
I didn’t seek him out, or groom him but I always knew what he was. I sensed it really from the get go. It’s just when I was to the point that I really wanted that external validation and the escapism I knew where to lean if that makes sense. People who will cheat with you is not every one. It’s a limited pool for most of us. Especially a middle aged lady who was more average looking and dressed like a mom.
I understand, for my wife was different, after cheating the first time it became easier. Her "learning from her mistakes" was learning how to hide it better (in her mind, it did not work).
As soon as she felt down the external male validation was a high, and apparently in workplaces is plenty of that kind of men. (at least in her workplace I know several first hand examples).
The big difference is that she craves that external validation constantly as she was constantly doubting her self worth (this did no change, even if temporarily my "validation" seems to be enough)
Cheating to me is an often a symptom of disease. You have to cure all the things that contribute to that unwellness. Not cheating is not something I find hard to do and haven’t ever since I confessed. I would literally rather stick a fork in my eye. It was the most painful and traumatic thing I could do to myself and also to anyone I would be in a relationship with, and I am not willing to go to the depths of hell over something like that again. I have built the life I now love, the woman I now love and my commitment of all that is to myself, and to my husband by extension.
And this is how I think healing and change should look like.
I think some WS have a view of life that lets them see people as NPC. So they have a difficult time actually understanding that other people have feelings.
My Wife definitively did that. She dehumanized, saw me as a "placeholder" and never cared in the slightest about my feelings.
Nothing at all.
She made fun f my pain, made her feel powerful whenever she was betraying me.
And she could not do that stuff to others, so I think it is a "privilege reserved to me". Her AP are gods, I am nothing. She is still protecting her Other Men against me today, so she still does not see me as a person imo, she is only scared that now, I could leave.
I don't think you can change your urges. I do think you can change your response to those urges.
I want to eat shitty food all the time because it's yummy in my tummy. I don't because I know it is bad for me and I'll pay for it long term.
I do think it is possible, you can if your urges bring you to consequences that hurt more than the pleasure you get from following your impulses.
Consequences are a big part what we derive our learned behaviors from.
