SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for some advice please on in house separation and how long it may be doable for.

For context:
My partner and I separated in November after eighteen years together and three children. DD1 was in 2023 - he had a ONS with the stranger. Rest of the year was hell. Beginning of 2024 he went to NA and, as far as I know, has been sober since. He seemed like he had mostly changed his ways, I hadn’t gotten over it but things were good considering how they’d been the year before. In November I found out he’d been having an affair for months with a woman from NA. Ended it then and there but agreed he’d stay and we’d wait until after Christmas to tell everyone. Then my mother died unexpectedly a few days after Christmas. He’d recently started to look at housing options (not wanting to, still hoping for R, promising the world), but neither of us can see a way that he can afford to live alone and there is no one else he can share with while still having the kids 50/50.

Now I’m considering whether in house separation might be a permanent thing or if I’m shooting myself in the foot by doing that.

The way I’m seeing it in my head is separate bedrooms, split housework and bills evenly (I currently pay most of them), essentially we would be housemates and coparents and that’s it. If he wants to date, I couldn’t care less as long as he’s not bringing women here. I would also have the freedom to do so (which he would hate) but I don’t really want to anyway. We come up with a schedule so we both get some freedom to do things we want to do and get away sometimes.

Has anyone else done this? Did it work? Or is this a terrible idea?
I feel like we’re running out of options.

I have been in IHS limbo since 2002....for some of the same reasons you list. Just know, there is no way you can predict or plan for every complication that may cause you years later to regret having drawn no actual, legal separation from his issues. It's the beginning of an unplanned signing up to be "the proverbial frog in boiling water."

I am sure others here will be along to give you a lot more to consider. But among your thoughts, his inability to afford another place to live should not in my opinion be the highest priority you have to deal with, much as it might be a concern you have. He really needs to have some serious consequence to the entitled way he's been operating, so you cannot be his soft landing; you must protect your own legal interests, ASAP.

Why not pursue a temporary physical separation needed by many jurisdictions to file for divorce (in my state it's a minimum of 6 months) and then go ahead and get divorced. After that, you can decide if you want him back as a roommate. (I should have done it that way.)

torturedpoet, first off, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. That must have been very hard, especially around the holidays!

I'm glad you've made the choice to separate (I remember your posts from last year, and this must have been a tough decision). Honestly, IHS the way you're describing is not a great long term solution. I've heard of people sharing a house after divorce if there's a basement apartment or something like that, where they each have their own spaces. Separate bedrooms isn't really enough, especially while you're trying to heal from his infidelity (your brain needs time and space away from him to form new patterns).

You mention not caring about him dating as long as he doesn't bring anyone home, but what if he does? Who says he'll follow your rules? What if he starts doing drugs again? How will you deal with that?

Before you make any decisions about finances, custody, roommates, etc., I would strongly urge you to speak with a few lawyers (many will do free consultations). My lawyer said IHS with legal financial separation is very difficult in practical/financial terms. Get some advice on what you can and cannot legally enforce in terms of your WS's behavior. They can probably also advise on whether he can share a place with someone else (usually this is okay, except in cases of abuse).

If you want to protect your money from his spending and you can't live separately, your best bet is to divorce him and then live like roommates. Another option to consider is a nesting arrangement. You could rent a room, and each of you spends alternating weeks there while the other lives with the kids. This is becoming increasingly popular, especially for parents of younger children who have a hard time going back and forth.

I did a lengthy spell of sharing a house with my ex after choosing to divorce. I intensely disliked being in her presence, it was a regular weight on me, but until the divorce was final there just wasn’t a better option. There is a high emotional tax to pay if you go that route.

We agreed to do a nesting agreement, where we have kept the marital house, the minor children live there full time, and my ex and I swap in and out on a weekly basis. That has worked well enough for us, might be worth considering.