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Not sure if this is normal or typical or to be expected but here I am about 27 months out and lately anger and not caring has displaced my other feelings. Maybe I have entered the plain of lethal flatness?

Everything was going along pretty well. After D-Day I set a hard boundary of no texting male coworkers. A week ago my wife left her phone at home and for some reason I thought to go through her text messages and discovered that she had texted with a male coworker at her part-time job. She works the tasting bar at a Cooper's Hawk restaurant

The back and forth was minimal and innocent but one text stood out. He said you should pick up so-and-so's shift, after all it is a Wednesday and this sent me spiraling.

My thoughts instantly went to there is something going on when she works a Wednesday shift with this guy and that's why he's asking her to pick up a Wednesday shift. Down the rabbit hole I went. I felt like I was back where I was 2 years ago

By the time she got home I had managed to dial it down a bit and when she walked into the kitchen I said I need a word with you upstairs and she could tell something was wrong. We went upstairs and I asked why are you texting with a male coworker? She said I am not initiating conversation with anyone nor have I deleted any text messages. I have to maintain a professional friendly relationship with coworkers. I said 2 years ago your affair started with a simple good morning text and ended up with you saying something about sitting in his lap in your office should the opportunity present itself.

I said 2 years ago I set a hard boundary of not texting male coworkers and yet here you are doing it. She said I am not initiating conversation and I don't see how it's any different than me talking to a male coworker at work. I said it is you violating the boundary I set of not texting with male coworkers. I said there is no reason for you to respond to which she replied so do you think it's better that I don't reply and then you are left wondering how I replied the next time we work together?

She asked do you want me to tell him that my husband says I am not allowed to text with male coworkers and I said no because that makes me look like a Hitler. What I should have said was yes but you also have to include that 2 years ago my husband discovered that I was exchanging sexual text messages with a married coworker and that's why I can't text with male coworkers

I told her this has brought up emotions in me that I haven't had to deal with in a long time and I feel like this has been a huge setback in our R.

There was some more back and forth and I ended the conversation with if I discover any more messages, no matter the nature, the relationship is over and I walked out of the bedroom.

Since then I seem to be moving more and more towards not caring whether or not the relationship continues. It seems like no matter what I will never be at peace or comfortable or feel secure in the relationship

Has anyone else gone through a stage where 2 years repressed anger is finally manifesting itself?

[This message edited by WB1340 at 3:12 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

She asked do you want me to tell him that my husband says I am not allowed to text with male coworkers and I said no because that makes me look like a Hitler.

Preamble:

First. Who gives a fuck?

Have you or her any need of randoms external validation?

Second. By the way, do you see how this sentence is kind of poisoned?

Does she have to say "My husband does not want me to text male coworkers"? Why can't she tell "I do not text with male coworkers"?

Aren't we switching victim and abuser here?

---

Then, I don't question that what she laments is sensible, reasonable, if she can't pick her coworkers she might be force to interact with males.

But if you both agreed on your boundary then it must be respected, or eventually expanded to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy. Evolve it, talk and agree about, not ignore it.

She made some valid points but you have your reasons for being triggered.

Can she see it and is she open to understand it, or is choosing darvo?

That's the important conversation to have.

--- about your anger question. Yes, repressed anger will not go away. If you cannot give it an exit or channel it, it will do one of two things:

- Explode
- Destroy you. Mentally, physically, even your health.

unprocessed emotions will fester, anger is one of those.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:05 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

"Professional" does not necessarily equal "friendly."

This coworker should not even have her number.

She didn't have to reply to the first text at all. She could have received the text, remembered the boundary, disclosed the text to you, let you know how she planned to address it, and waited til she got back into work to let the coworker know she doesn't text with males.

She absolutely does not have to implicate you at all in the maintenance of that boundary, nor is she required to offer any explanation at all for having it. She can just say "This is a boundary I have and I am maintaining. Please respect that," and that can be the end of the conversation.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and she responded that way, WB1340. Your boundary here is perfectly reasonable and you know that. It makes sense that you're angry about it being violated.

"Professional" does not necessarily equal "friendly."

This coworker should not even have her number.

She didn't have to reply to the first text at all. She could have received the text, remembered the boundary, disclosed the text to you, let you know how she planned to address it, and waited til she got back into work to let the coworker know she doesn't text with males.

She absolutely does not have to implicate you at all in the maintenance of that boundary, nor is she required to offer any explanation at all for having it. She can just say "This is a boundary I have and I am maintaining. Please respect that," and that can be the end of the conversation.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and she responded that way, WB1340. Your boundary here is perfectly reasonable and you know that. It makes sense that you're angry about it being violated.

Morbs is right.

Is a very good point.
A reformed/ reforming wayward would come to you to disclose first if a boundary was put at risk not by her initiative and consult you how to approach within reason this empasse.

You had to find out.
Doesn't mean she is betraying you again just yet, but is for sure a taking your boundary too lightly, not respectfully enough.

She didn't initiate, but she didn't even come to you first.